There is a Perfect Gift for Everyone

With the season of gift giving right around the corner I'm making my list and checking it twice. I know who's been naughty (the longer list) and who's been nice.

I've said it before but it bears repeating, I'm a giver. I'm generous. What can I say?

I'd give you the shirt off my back as long as I'm not wearing my super soft, baby blue "I'm not a housewife. I like profanity." (I am a stay at home BABE, a-hole!) hoodie with the thumb holes on the sleeve cuff. That, I would fight you for. And win. Go get your own at http://www.stayathomebabe.com/. Actually, I don't have that hoodie yet. It's on the way. Oh how I wish I had it right now. I'd wear it to my scheduled parent/teacher conference tonight. Really.

Still giggling.

As much as I love giving there are a certain few folks on my list which always present a problem in the present area. Surely I'm not the only one with this dilemma. I hope this helps.

For that person on your list who is constantly scratching their arse I suggest...

Ideal for butt busting activities such as motorcycling, bicycling, horseback riding. Anti-friction plus sweat absorber powder. May be used daily. For the temporary relief from pain and itching associated with chaffing and rashes. Specially formulated to absorb excess sweat and reduce frictional skin irritation. Not just for the boys either...

As long as we're on the subject of arses...

Can't read the small print? "Squeaky clean enema pin."
Need I say more?

For the gourmet chef in your life or the person who chews up your dreams and spits them out...

Have someone on your list you've told to go to hell? Make them a reservation that guarantees them a spot.

This is the ultimate Hell getaway package and includes everything needed to get to hell plus a limited edition VIP pass. No trip is complete without experiencing all of the off limits and top secret areas that Hell has to offer. Includes: - Demonic issued certificate of reservation, officially registered in Satan’s log and prepared on flame-proof material.  A one way, free-fall ticket to Hell. What better way to get there then a non-stop, direct drop? The Official Hell Identification Card so they can get around without getting hassled. Hell 101 mini informational guide, outlining things you need to know to survive the nightmare.  All access VIP pass. This pass will grant them access to “VIP exclusive areas” including the Frozen Wasteland, the Lake of Fire and the Bridge of the Dead, where all the hotties get together and kick it.
I'm ordering several and negotiating for a group rate.

For the martyr in your life or those just holier than thou...

Tub of flying nuns. An alternative to the classic gift of a cross and some rusty nails.

Lastly, for your feline loving friends...

You go to their house and leave covered in cat hair. Not anymore, now the fluffy furballs will clean up before you arrive. Obviously you’ll have to ignore the fact that they lick their anus then inevitably lick their paws, thus spreading cat ass all over. Other than that it’s genius, right.