If I Were a Hunter I'd Mount Her Head

In a turn of events Sarah Palin found herself being the hunted one...by the paparazzi. Shots were fired but they failed to take down the beast and she's expected to appear in the audience of tonight's episode of Dancing With the Stars.

Bristol's performance last week was admirable given she's not a performer of any kind, though I think Levi would beg to differ. I found myself hoping the audience vote will keep her around for a while, if for no other reason than to piss her Moose huntin' momma off. I want to see her costumes get much smaller for the same reason.

Here's my take on the rest of the first week in competition...

Brooke Burke's dress is worthy of mention but second only to the body in it. Good grief, she's making the rest of us moms look bad. How about lowering the bar a bit so the rest of us can still look in the mirror? You can bet your sweet ass that if I had her trainer, personal chef and nanny I'd have that body too. Now that I think about it, she should have that body. I'd think less of her if she didn't.

Audrina is a natural dancer, she just needs to trust herself. Slamming body. She can suck it, she's like what, twenty two? Yeah, whatever. I'd think less of her too if she couldn't bring a body like that to the dance floor.

If the mirror ball trophy doesn't pan out for Rick Fox I predict he'll have a huge future in tooth paste commercials, man has a terrific smile. Partnering him up with Cheryl seemed like a mismatch in size, he's SO big. Though it's pretty much all the same when you're doing the horizontal mambo (I'm five one, I should know) dancing upright with a man that size would be a challenge. I immediately thought of Sookie standing chest to chest with the strapping, blonde, bloodsucking, viking, sheriff, Eric Northman. It's about the same size difference and they are electric hot so it may work for Mr. Fox and his pint-sized firecracker. I wanna see him throw her around. Think about it, you do too.

Mrs. Brady swears like a sailor. I like that. But, she has zero sex appeal so I'm hoping she goes soon. For the record, it's not her age. Helen Mirren gives me a boner.

Poor Chelsie. She has to dance with Michael Bolton. I'm feeling nothing more needs to be said. You feel me?

The situation with The Situation is this, he needs to situate.

Poor Kim. The Hoff was sweating Big Macs and Bourbon. Their routine to "Sex Bomb" bombed. I'd pray for a bomb to land on me if I had to watch him shake it one more week. Eewww! What a surprise though that he was the one to go. The Hoff is off, there IS a God. Nuff said.

Oh no Cho! You did not. Yeah, she did. I think she has some glimmer of raw talent but it'll be like forcing coal into it's diamond form.

Jennifer Grey. I want her to put her old nose back on. You with me?  More importantly, she can dance. She did Patrick proud. The media's revisiting of the fatal crash she and Matthew Broderick were involved in the week before dirty Dancing's release has to intense for her. Top it all off with her overcoming thyroid cancer and she deserves a break. She's dancing with Derek that's something.

My favorite performance of the night was the little piece of chocolate love, Kyle Massey. My kiddos watch reruns of Cory in the House all the time. I didn't expect him to move like that. I'm with Carrie Ann on this one, completely crushed out on the kid. He keeps dancing like that and he'll reel in more cougars than red meat. I am cougar. You hearing me roar?