I Want That Mirror Ball Trophy!

The official cast list for this season's Dancing With the Stars has been released.

I wasn't on it.

Again.

Hold up, wait a minute, stop the presses! What? Really? I can cut a rug, shake a leg, get low, back that thang up, get down on it, get jiggy wit it and shake what my momma gave me. I can lock and pop and I can drop it like it's mo-fo hot! I've danced a jig, danced my pants off and danced like no one's watching and many times no one was.  I WANT THAT MIRROR BALL TROPHY DAMMIT! As far as I can see the only thing standing between me and that sparkliest and shiniest of all sparkly and shiny things is...I'm not a star. Though once upon a time I made some cash shaking my money maker under that very name. Not so much because I fancied myself a star but because I'd watched Lost Boys too many times and a boy I went to high school with told me I looked like Jami Gertz. I can dance and I could so do this thing.

In today's world there a number of ways to get famous and an even greater number of ways to become infamous. I would most likely qualify for the latter sooner than the former and to the casting agents of DWTS it doesn't seem to matter. Finally, something in my favor. See for yourself...From the Hills, Audrina Partridge. Mike, greasy, tanned, eight pack, "The Situation" Sorrentino and Bristol "Levi got in my Levi's" Palin. The list could stop there but for good measure let me mention both Michael Bolton and David Hasselhoff. God help us all, The Hoff has a huge cult following in other countries and I'd double-down on a bet that they will ALL be watching and worse yet, voting. I predict he'll be in the final five. Florence Henderson? Kill me now. She does commercals for Polident, a denture adhesive. There is nothing sexy about this woman and even the fact that she was banging Greg back in her Brady Bunch days is just plain creepy. I just can't hang a cougar nametag on her with a clear conscience. Wanna be's, never gonna be's, has been's, never, ever shoulda been's. Somebody please hand me a pair of dancing shoes and an opportunity. I can't say I know shit-from-shine-o-la about the athletes. None of them are Detroit Pistons. That leaves... Brandy, she can probably dance. Jennifer "no one puts Baby in a corner" Grey and Margaret Cho. Jennifer made a good showing next to Patrick Swayze (Johnny Castle gave me a boner, like everytime, I watched him dance. May he rest in peace.) but that was decades and a different nose ago.

My underdog pick for the season is Margaret Cho. She once poked fun at herself by saying she didn't think she was attractive. She said she had the kind of face and body that should be squatting near an ice fishing hole in a the Museum of Natural History. Her people hunted and fished and ate it all, eyeballs, scales, guts and ass, all of it. I laughed so hard I almost peed myself. I think anyone who can laugh at themselves is beautiful. Plus there's some question about her sexuality and she's all full-sleeved out and she talks dirty. I think she rocks and hope she has even the smallest amount of natural ability. Go CHO! Go Cho-oooo!

Enough about them and back to me. What I need is a plan to get famous or infamous or become some version of the socially agreed upon definition of a star. The possibilities are endless, the plausibility is another thing. Let me know if you think of anything and in the mean time I'm going to set my DVR cause when this seasons DWTS crazy train pulls out of the station I don't want to miss a thing. I know, it's pathetic.

PS. Runner up for my underdog choice is Brisol Palin. I hope she dances like a slut and has a wardrobe malfunction.